Chapter 17

“Can I finish your fries?” Emily asked, though she was already reaching for them.

May shoved her tray over to Emily, “Go for it.” She didn’t have much of an appetite.

After leaving Esmeralda’s Cave, they had decided to wander around town and do some window shopping. Emily assured May this would help distract her from her morose mood, and it had for a few minutes here and there. But mostly, May was in mourning.

The great sense of loss she was having came from her realization that she had to call off things with Ethan. Less than twenty-four hours, that was all the longer it had lasted. But being with him--though it was the only thing she really wanted at this point in her life-- would be a mistake. All of these feelings she had that beckoned her thoughts unceasingly to him were false. The product of some magic she could never understand.

She had been aware over the last few days of how her emotions were betraying logic; yet without the knowledge of why, she had been willing to listen to only her heart. When the workings of the mirror were finally exposed, it gave her mind the final boost it needed to put her heart in its place. It screamed out now as she determined to spend no more time on Ethan, but she decided her heart deserved to suffer. It had been very naughty, and it was being punished.

“So,” Emily said through bites of French fries, “I think I’m going to go back to school for the last half.”

“Oh.” May’s thoughts stopped their ruminating. “Okay. Sorry. I know I’m being pretty lame today…”

Emily waved her hand dismissively. “Oh, you’re fine. It’s not you. I just don’t want to get too far behind, and we don’t have anything else to do…,” she studied May carefully for a moment. “You should come back to school, too.”

“I don’t care about getting behind. I have the whole weekend to do make-up work.”

“I’m not thinking about your school work, I’m thinking about your mental health. If I leave you now, what are you going to do the rest of the day?”

“Well, I--,” May began.

“—Sulk.” Emily interrupted. “You have nothing to do but lay around being pitiful. Come to school, you can at least have some distractions.”

May really didn’t want to go back to school. She hated the feeling of missing half a day and then coming back to finish it. It made her day feel all foreign and wrong. But Emily was persuasive, and she knew just the sort of things to say to convince May to join her.

They arrived back at the school in the middle of the lunch period. After checking themselves into the office, they went to their lockers to get ready for the upcoming class.

“I thought you were going to be sick today?”

May turned at the sound of Ryan’s voice.

“I was. I’m better now.” She didn’t like the way she probably seemed like such an inconstant personality to him.

“I’m glad.” He smiled. “So, I passed on that message yesterday like you asked, Ethan wanted me to tell you something if I saw you again.”

May couldn’t bear to have Ryan be the go-between in her childish love tantrum any more. He had proved himself time and again to be an unvarying friend to her this week, and to use him like a carrier pigeon was far, far less than he deserved. It was time to stop with the nonsense—she knew Ryan was the one she should be hurting over, not Ethan. She resolved that very moment to act with her brain only, no more listening to her fickle heart.

“Thanks Ryan, but I’ll just go talk to him myself. I’m sorry to put you in the middle; that was not very good of me.” She patted him on the arm and walked away. He watched after her with a look of mild surprise.

As into Ethan as she had been, she realized that she still didn’t know a lot of things about him. For example, where could he be found at lunchtime? She went to the part of the cafeteria they had sat in the day before. She was scanning the crowded tables looking for him, but he must have seen her first.

She found him immediately when she heard him call, “May! Freeze!” He was standing up on his chair, holding his hands out in a gesture like he could literally freeze her in place. The students around him were looking a little alarmed.

His exhibition amused May, and she smiled involuntarily. He saw this, and appeared encouraged. He hopped down and started making his way toward her. Her pulse began to accelerate. Shut up! Stop it! She tried to will her runaway heart to submit.

Ethan was talking a mile a minute, before he was even fully within her earshot. “Please, I am so sorry. I should have known better. I know I was such a jerk, I deserve to be beaten…” He didn’t stop his approach until he was well within her personal space. “Can you find it in your heart to forgive me for thinking so badly of you?” He was saying now, as he brushed her cheek softly with the back of his hand.

May’s spine got all tingly, and she could feel her resolve beginning to melt. No. No. NO! Stop! Snap out of it!

“I really am so, so, sor—,” May didn’t let him finish. She put her hand up to his lips. Oh, those lips… how she wanted to-- NO!

“Let’s just forget about that.” What had happened yesterday was really immaterial at this point. She knew what she must do. “Can we go somewhere private?”

Ethan obviously had other ideas about what could be meant by “private,” and it made things even harder for May. He pulled her in to an empty classroom, and stood far too close to her when he said, “Will this do?”

Don’t cave, May! “Yes.” She forced herself to take a small step back. “I want to talk to you.”

Ethan frowned. “That doesn’t sound good.”

May forced herself to smile reassuringly. “No, it isn’t bad. It is just that, well… I think you are right.”

“I’m not used to hearing those words…” He was confused, though smiling.

“Ethan, we shouldn’t date. It was a bad idea, and I forced it on you by being all girly and dramatic. So, I’m sorry about that.” May knew the words she was saying were actually true, and they did make sense. It was too bad she didn’t believe them. “Let’s just pretend yesterday never happened, and keep as before.”

Ethan’s smile was gone. He looked genuinely let down. May was actually surprised to see this in him. It is just the mirror’s magic, she told herself.

“Now, wait a minute…” Ethan had recovered from what she just said, and she could see he was getting ready to pull out his full arsenal of charms. If he was about to try to change her mind, May knew he would be successful. She needed to leave, immediately.

“Sorry, I really have to go…” she was backing away towards the door. “I’ll just see you on Monday in English, I guess.” Once she reached the door, she took off in a sprint down the hall.

May had said that things should just go back to how they had been before, but she knew what she really intended was that she would avoid him as much as possible, and ignore him when it wasn’t. It was the only way, she thought. Cold turkey. Ethan was the sort of guy who usually got what he wanted, and the current condition of May’s heart was to give him all or nothing. So it would have to be nothing.

Going from full-boar obsessed to cutting him out of her thoughts completely would create a vacuum, and May realized she might implode without something to fill the hole. A good, solid distraction was necessary.

She slowed her pace as the hallway became busier. Then, as if a sign from heaven, the crowd seemed to part in front of her, creating a path which ended at Ryan’s locker, where he stood with his back to her, looking down at his planner.

Fake it ‘til you make it, right?

If she hadn’t scrambled her own thoughts, this is what the real-May would want to be doing. Even with that knowledge, she still felt like she was acting forced. The angel on her shoulder was trying to convince her that it wasn’t nice to treat Ryan like a rebound. The devil was more cunning, pointing out that the angel would be absolutely right, if that was the case. But she wasn’t rebounding; she was doing what she should have done in the first place. And this time, she would play by the rules and keep things in this dimension. And she would be slow about it.