As they sat down at a picnic table, May remarked, “You know, I have never done anything like this before.”
Ethan was sitting across from her. Their table was oriented perpendicular to the riverbank, so they were both able to stare off into the water as they ate. “What are you referring to?”
“Just, breaking my routine. Going out to eat before school…” May paused and then laughed, “catching rides with you. I have always been such a creature of habit. It is so—invigorating to change things up.”
Ethan considered her carefully for a moment, then looked back over the water again. “Yes, I have noticed you seem to have changed a lot all at once.” May shrugged her shoulders in response. She knew he wasn’t referring to mere habits. “Anything prompt this revolution?” He emphasized the word facetiously.
She didn’t know how to answer. She hadn’t wanted to talk about herself today, but shutting him down didn’t seem like a good way to get him to warm to her. “Umm…” she hesitated, taking a bite of hashbrown. Then she decided to be straight forward, “So something happened on Monday that just kind of made me snap.”
“What I did in class?” Ethan interjected.
“That was part of it, yes…” May admitted. “But don’t take all the credit. There were a… series of things.” She would just gloss over the magical mirror hanging on her wall. “The end result was I just got really fed-up and angry. I guess being angry kind of moved me to make some adjustments.”
“Are you still angry?” he pressed.
“Um, hey, are you some kind of student of human nature or something? Why are you so interested?” She tried to make her question sound sincere instead of annoyed. May was done talking about herself.
“I don’t know… I guess I feel at least partially responsible, and I want to know if I should be seeking the credit, or shirking the blame.” He winked.
May laughed, trying to keep things light. “Well, which do you think it is, based on outward appearances?”
Ethan looked at her now, with mock seriousness as he pretended to be trying to read her face. May looked back at him coolly, awaiting his assessment. He slapped his hands on the table suddenly, sat up straight and exclaimed, “Well, somebody give me a cookie! I do believe you are happier, now!”
May rolled her eyes as she smiled, looking over the scenery. “Alright, alright… I admit I have been much happier these few days since I had a bit of a break down on Monday.” She looked at Ethan now, “Wow, you know what? I am done talking about myself, now! No more talk of me is allowed.” She paused, “So what is the latest and greatest in the debonair life of Ethan White?”
She could see him considering her question very carefully. More carefully than necessary, she thought. He took a studied breath, then answered. “Can’t say.”
“’Can’t say?’” May laughed incredulously. “Because you don’t know, or because it’s a secret?”
“Because I’m not allowed to talk about it.”
May was intrigued. “Oooh, so it is a secret.”
“No, not a secret.” Ethan countered, “it’s just something I’m not allowed to talk about.” May would have dropped it, but the smile on Ethan’s face was telling her he didn’t want her to.
“And who has forbidden it? Or are you allowed to say?”
“No, I can say—I think. It was you.”
“Me?” May was totally perplexed.
“Yeah, you.” Ethan leaned closer. “Just now.”
“Okay, I am so confused…” May admitted.
Ethan sighed and rolled his eyes, but continued with good humor. “You just said you were done talking about yourself, and said we weren’t allowed to talk about you anymore.” He was suddenly touching her fingertips with his across the table. Sweet, sweet understanding washed over May. Ethan continued, unnecessarily, “Then you asked me what the latest and greatest in my life was.”
“Me?” May repeated, dumbly. She knew she shouldn’t be surprised. She already knew that he liked her, but she thought he didn’t want to do anything about it. What surprised her was that she was trying to keep things friendly and platonic in order to keep him close. She thought that talking about feelings like this was what had scared him off in the mirror, and caused him to try to cancel on her yesterday. Yet, here he was, broaching the topic. She hoped her stupor would pass for modesty, instead of disinterest.
“Look, May. You and I, we’ve always had our fun, right? But you’ve changed so much the past few days. You are suddenly so much more interesting.”
May looked back at him, really unsure of how to take that. Ethan was a master flirt, and she was sure if he wanted to, he could really work her over with his charms. What he had just said was not actually very charming.
“Sooo, I’m interesting to you?” She looked unconvinced.
“Oh, come on. You know what I’m saying. I really like you May. I’m attracted to you. I want to spend more time with you.”
“Oh.” May’s reaction was not showing it, perhaps because she was still so taken aback, but her heart was pounding excitedly. This was exactly what she wanted.
Ethan gave her an expectant look that knocked her out of her silence.
“But you don’t want me to ask you to kiss me?” She reminded him of his request.
“Right.” Ethan nodded. Apparently, he hadn’t changed his mind that much.
“Okay, so help me understand, because I’m still confused.” May touched the back of one of his hands with her finger, “You like me, and you’re attracted to me.” She pulled her hand away, “But you don’t want to do anything about it.”
“Exactly!” Ethan smiled, pleased that she understood. She felt a stabbing in her chest at his answer.
May was frustrated. She spoke roughly now, “So why the hell did you even bring it up?”
Ethan was genuinely surprised by her ire. “May, I think people should be honest with each other. I don’t want to play games with you. I wanted you to know that I want to be with you more.”
“Yeah, but with me as what?” May demanded.
“Just, as whatever. You as May, me as Ethan.” The two were done eating, and the start of school was nearing. So they rose and continued their conversation as they walked and got in the car.
“Okay, let me just put this out there… I like you the same way.” May thought you are in my every waking thought and I’m completely obsessed with you might scare him off. “Knowing that, you don’t want to like, do anything about it?”
“Like what?” Seriously? Was he playing games now?
“Um, I don’t know… date?”
“What, like, romantically?” Oh, my gosh. Ethan never seemed stupid before. May didn’t need to answer him, though. “I don’t think that is a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“We’re just kids! What do we know about what we really want? It is a horrible idea to try to limit ourselves to each other, don’t you think?”
May was reminded of his attitude about college attendance. It was very much along the same lines, only she was not very impressed by his wisdom in this instance.
“No, I disagree!” May argued. “People date so they can get to know what they want, and if they aren’t finding it, they break up.”
“That’s my point!” Ethan agreed.
May was flummoxed. “No, that’s my point. You are saying people shouldn’t date because they don’t know what they want.”
“No, no, no, see… when people our age date, they cannot possibly know what they really want. But still, so many do get way too serious, and it is all based on so many things which are… artificial! So it can only end in a break up, as far as I see it. Why would I date knowing it was doomed to end in heartbreak? I’ve never had a girlfriend, May; and I don’t want one.”
“Wow, I always thought you were a glass-is-half-full type of guy, but you are actually amazingly pessimistic.”
“I’m not pessimistic, May. I’m just trying to be smart.”
“Well for next time, let me give you a hint to aid you in your quest.” She shot back sharply. They were almost to school now. “Unless you plan to try and sweep a girl off her feet, don’t tell her you have feelings for her. Especially you.” She looked at him, thinking of how any girl with a heartbeat would want him to confess an attraction. “You say you want to prevent heartbreak, well, not everyone shares your philosophies, and you run a high risk of causing it when you let someone know that you are within reach but unobtainable.”
“May…” he pulled into a parking spot and looked at her apologetically. He started to run his fingers through the hair that rested on her left shoulder. For a moment she closed her eyes, enjoying the contact. But then her heartbreak caused her to feel another wave of fury, and she opened the car door and stormed off without a word.
So there it is. May thought. He doesn’t want to be together, even though we could be so happy. Ryan had nothing to do with it, though in the mirror yesterday that had been the excuse. She felt a stab of burning heat sear through her heart. She questioned where his sudden resolve came from, and feared it was her boldness in the mirror that presented him with exercises to give him the power of control now. She was angry, but she still adored him. It was even worse this way. She just learned something she never knew before. Anger plus love equals pain.
May was so tormented by her thoughts that she didn’t pay any attention to where she was going, and she walked straight into Ryan.
“Sorry…” she muttered, without looking at him, continuing to walk towards class.
“May!” Ryan sounded shocked. He reached out and grabbed her shoulder, spinning her back to face him. “May, what on earth is wrong?” He was genuinely concerned.
May definitely didn’t want to tell him. But she looked up at his kind, anxious eyes anyway. “Nothing.” She tried to say it with an even voice, but she felt herself starting to cry, and her chin quivered when she answered. She bit her lip and looked away.
Ryan didn’t speak. He just put one arm around her shoulder, and guided her away from the other students. All the while in silence, he brought her to the far side of the building housing the auditorium. There was nobody there. He led her to a small recess in the wall, then reached into his backpack and handed her a pocket pack of tissues. Then he said only, “Stay here as long as you need, you’ll have privacy. I’m going to tell Mrs. Nelson that the guidance counselor needed to talk to you about your schedule for next semester, and that you are going to be late.” He patted her softly on the shoulder once, and then walked away.
“Thank you,” May called out in a whisper. It was all she could manage. Ryan’s heroism made her hurt even worse. How could he be so understanding with one word from her, yet when she laid everything out to Ethan, he still didn’t get it? Why had her heart attached itself to someone unwilling to handle with care?
She let her tears flow freely now.
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